What is Systemic Counselling?

The New Loving Way of Counselling.

A new and powerful way of solving problems has came up. It just looks like a revolution in family counselling psychotherapy.

Two persons are sitting on chairs opposite one another, between them is a table. Little figures are lying on the table, like the toys my children used to play with, of men, women, children.

The one of the two, a therapist, says to the other: "So, you told me now a lot about how your mother, your father, your brother behaved. Could you now please just place some of these figures on the table, one for your mother, one for your father, one for your brother - just like you feel them standing towards each other?"

The other, a friendly young lady, does not look like she needs therapy, on the first view. But she came with some severe problems within herself, it is hard for her to accept life and the care and support of her husband, and to be a good mother for her little children.

She places the figures. She chooses one for herself and puts it near the one which represents her father. The one, which should mean her brother, is placed somewhere lost in the middle. And at last, she takes one of the figures and says, this is my mother. With a bit trembling fingers, she places her a bit aside from the others, with her face turned away.

The therapist asks her: "What did happen in the family your mother came from?" The lady answers: "Two brothers of her died very young." The therapist takes two male figures and lays them down at the place the mother-figure is looking at. So now it becomes clear why the mother looks away from her new family. A part of her soul is longing to follow her two dead siblings.

Is this explanation really true? The therapist will try out. He says: "Now I will try to feel inside your mother for a moment." He stands up and sits down on another chair, near where the mother`s figure stands on the table. He closes his eyes for some moments. For a while, it looks like he is shrinking and sinking down into his chair. He says "Something is pulling me down to the floor. It is like a dark whirl in the water. And now I want to grab everything which is around me, just to hold myself." And he feels a desire to grab for things just laying around him.

His client, the young lady, is staring at him, with tears in her eyes: "Yes, just that is how I feel my mother. It is just like she were here. And, yes, she grabs everything, she is addicted to collecting things"

She begins to cry. "I was so angry on her - but now I feel so much love for her, as now I understand what was pulling her down."

The therapist now gives her some examples of healing words of reconciliation to say to her mother:
"Mother"
"I miss you."
"You give - I take."
"You are my mother."
"I am your daughter."
"I acknowledge your burden."
"You carry yours - I carry mine."
"You did to me the best you could do."
"You are the big one - I am the little one"
"So I thank you for all - it is enough for me."
"I take your love and pass it on to my children."
"Please look friendly on me as I am staying here, with my children"

One for one, very slowly, he asks the lady to say these sentences after him and feel inside herself, whether they are fitting for her. She can accept the depth of some of the sentences and says them with motion.

In the end, there is an atmosphere of love and appreciation. The lady is thankful for this meditation which helped her to reconcile with her mother, and she feels full of power. Also the therapist is happy. He did not just earn his money, he feels that he really helped somebody.

This kind of counselling is coming up recently. It is based on the seminars and books of the German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger, who has lived as an English teacher and school director in Zululand long before, has learned and also teached psychotherapy for long years and is now almost 80 years old. It is a way of "Systemic Therapy", because not only the client's personality, but also his/her whole family system is point of view. Maybe you have heard of the "family constellations", where representative helpers try to feel inside of the various family members. But, as seen in this example, also in single counselling the hidden river of parental love, which is the most powerful source of life, can be brought to flow again.

This way of talking with help-seeking persons looks easy, but needs training and experience.

Interesting texts, hints on literature, and lectures by Bert Hellinger can be found in the Internet at www.hellinger.com (this homepage also has an English language section)