"Difficult Children" - how can we help them? By seeing their secret love...


Hannah is in despair because of James, her 8 year boy. She loves her only son. But often, suddenly he interrupts his play and does something which makes loving him really difficult, and Hannah feels ashamed... Later James feels sorry, he cries, but no therapy could help him until now.

Hannah says, now I need a therapy for myself. On her therapist's table there are lying some little figures. He asks Hannah only few questions, then he asks her: "Please place three figures on the table - one for you, one for your man, and one for James, just like they are in relation to each other."

Hannah's and her man's figures are standing apart, both looking far away. But James' figure is standing between them, very close to Hannah, like if he has to keep her from falling.
 
"Looks very clear" the therapist says. At first, Hannah does not understand. "James must hold you. What is drawing you away? Who is missing?"

Hannah's father died a tragical death when she was still small. She had thought she was over it. But her grief was only blocked. Tears come flowing. After some time, Hannah learns to say "My father, I missed you so. But now I let you go."

After few therapy sessions, Hannah finds peace. She copes with her fate. So she stops demanding too much from her man. Her marriage becomes more harmonic. Also the man opens up himself to her, although he never came to therapy with her. Little James finds his place: He can be a child. He does not need to replace somebody any more! And also, after some time, he does not need his symptom any more.

So, what can a good helper give to the family with the "difficult" child?

First, he helps to see the whole system, not the symptom only. His special attention is on those who seem to be forgotten or not appreciated - like the grandfather here in this example, who died so early. Here we see the children's deep love: Unconsciously, they want to replace the excluded one, or to balance something for others - even if this makes them ill or costs their lives!

In a group, the best method for this way of perception is a family constellation with  real persons as representants for the family members.

Sometimes we then find a solution: To prevent repetitions of bad things in blind love, we have to appreciate the excluded, like by going through a 
process of grief, as it was in the example above. This makes the children free.

What if we find no solution? Even then we reconciliate with a heavy fate, we find peace, we stop blaming others.

In a family constellation there is also opportunity to solve problems of "difficult children" whom we want to help even if they do not attend personally.